Unable To Socialize Without Alcohol
Apr 11, 2015
I am cutting back on drinking and so trying to do things that don't involve alcohol. There has always been a very strong social element to my drinking, in fact this is how I started out as a teenager. I'm OK in situations where drink isn't an issue such as work , education and daytime lunches but leisure in the evening is terrible. I wouldn't have said I lack social skills or confidence but even the thought of seeing a friend I've known for years fills me with such dread I just avoid it. Has anyone else experienced this please?
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So I started college in the Fall of 2014, finished a semester and quit. I couldn't order food at the food court, ask questions, give a presentation or talk to anyone without being nervous and "rehearsing" what I was going to say over and over again in my head before I could attempt to say something. It was mentally draining trying to keep up with school work and deal with the social aspect of college at the same time. I gave up my dream of being a Veterinary Assistant because of stupid social anxiety. When I'm talking with people, I feel like I can't catch my breath, can't keep eye contact and I feel cloudy for some reason like I'm in a dream. I feel that way a lot, I try so hard to stay calm at all times and just block out the anxiety but I can't. I feel so mentally drained by the time I get home,and no matter how much sleep I get, I still feel exhausted when I wake up. I'm not depressed, but I always feel so tired. Does medication help? I'm afraid of it having a bad effect on me. I just want to know if other people feel the way I do, and how they handle it.
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It gets to the point where you know you need to stop, but the thought of stopping is a major step.
Two weeks ago, I decided that enough was enough. My three bottles a day habit was starting to get out of control. I would wake up in the morning and my husband would ask me if I was okay. "Yes of course I'm okay. Why?" "Because you fell over last night." The blackouts were starting to scare me.
Sunday I decided that I would start tapering off the following day. Luckily I have a supportive husband and admitted my problem. He bought me very small lagers and printed out the tapering off method from the internet.
Monday: I had the shakes in the morning after three bottles of wine the day before. Luckily I work from home. I had six beers and stopped myself from buying a bottle of wine in the evening. Really bad sleep, nightmares, palpatations and a constant craving for what I knew would help me.
Tuesday: Didn't really wake up okay as I hadn't slept much. Started work. Had four small beers and didn't crave for wine in the evening. I felt shaky and strange. Went to bed and slept for three hours which was unusual for me.
Wednesday: I woke up feeling different. Almost human. I got loads of work done and didn't want a drink. I had one small beer with my dinner and went to bed. I slept for about four hours, had some water and went back to sleep. Amazing.
Thursday: Well I've been a good girl this week. I'll treat myself to a glass of wine. Big mistake. Two bottles down.
Friday: We're going away this weekend. I could just not drink during the week surely? Another two bottles of wine. A few shots at the local........
A week later I'm back where I started.
My problem is that I am scared of stopping. I now know that I can get through the tapering off method without life threatening withdrawals but I contradict myself constantly. My mum has Alzheimer's. I'm helping her, so I need a drink. Oh, I've had a bad day so I deserve a glass of wine, or six. My child is disabled. I deserve a drink because I've had a bad day. The cycle is endless.
I went to the GP yesterday and cried. I told him (it was a locum) that I had a problem. I explained that I couldnt sleep without a drink. I have nightmares (because of my PTSD) and my stomach is playing havoc with my life. He said, "Obviously you have IBS." I said, "Obviously?" He said, "Well yes. you don't drink enough for it to affect your stomach." I walked out of the surgery saying, "Well thanks anyway."
Sorry for the long post but I am really trying and wanted some advice/encouragement to try this tapering off again next week. Does it work? Has anyome done it successfully?
I have already applied to be a patient for a different surgery and will be honest with them too. Hopefully they will point me in the right direction.
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