Sexually Abused Suffering From Bulimia And Insomnia
Mar 26, 2016
I am 18 and now studying abroad.I have been abused sexually 3 times in my life. One in primary school, one in highschool and one in university..Now i am alone in a whole different country studying and starting a new life but it hasn't been as good as I though. I have no real friend and there is one really care about me. My beloved family who really love and care about me are all back in my home town which is in the other half of the Earth. I miss them so badly and in another hand, I have to try to get a part time job to support my family. Studying aboard has been our dream to change our life, but now it's bringing financial difficulties.Besides, Bulimia. I don't know when it started, I just know that now i am suffering from it and it''s terrible. I hate myself and my body so badly. I have terrible relationships with food that I don't know what to do with it.And then depression comes along as all of these problems hit me. I haven't sleep well for so long, I havn't smile or laugh or feel good for so long. I'm stuck.
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I don't know what kind of of ED I really have because apparently I show symptoms from all of them.
I first began restricting when I was 14 by having a weekly plan of how I would eat. Weekdays meant no more than 500 calories a day - the less carbs the better. Saturdays were my binge days and Sundays were when I would eat slightly less than 500 to make up for the binge.
My highest weight was around 160lb I think, but no one ever called me fat. I was always shy at certain times, not bullied, but mostly I was very confident and never worried about my appearance. But I eventually realized how much more attractive my friends and my sister were, I got so upset ad my self-esteem and confidence went straight to non-existent. This was when my life-long symptoms of social anxiety excelled to their peak and made me incredibly quiet. I also lost my menstrual cycle completely, for about 2yrs.
I started restricting because being and feeling fat literally made me so frustrated I cried. I started running and *trying* to diet, which took me to 140lb, then 127lb. Then I eventually started following this 'blood type diet' by eating only foods which Type As like my self should eat(like no dairy, wheat, meat). There's nothing wrong with this diet because I really felt it's magical benefits, but then I got so annoyed that I wasn't losing enough weight that I took it too far. This led me to 110lb and then my lowest weight of 105lb.
My mum threatened to take me to the doctors so I had to put on weight again - also because I had to move schools and I wanted to 'eat' and fit in. Moving was traumatic because for 11yrs I went to a private school with less than 200 people in it, and went from that, to a state school with 1000 people in it. My social anxiety made it really hard to make friends, and I only made one because she was the only one who started the conversation first. She is now my best friend.
After two years, I put on weight slowly, still adopting my same weekly eating routine but with some extra calories while also going to the gym. I was quite content, despite still having moments of embarrassment over probably nothing thanks to my SA. While revising for GCSE exams, my mum told me out of the blue that she'd got a job near Leeds(we were living in Carlisle at the time,) and that we were moving in the summer. I was happy for her because she didn't like where she was working anymore, but It was hard to show because I was so angry at this sudden decision which completely threw me off. I tried to negotiate with her and say "well done but could I stay and live with my dad pls I really don't want to go" but she snapped at me and kept saying that "we're moving and that's that, it's gonna be great etc etc".
After the exams all I could think about was the move, so I sat on my laptop and ate for the whole summer, and put on quite a few pounds because I couldn't go running as my hip was injured. When the day came to move, I barely helped with the unpacking and stayed in my new bedroom - which is in horrible condition - and resumed my eating and laptopping. I never wanted to move and I was suddenly away from my friends, I felt fatter, my social anxiety got worse - so I can't make new friends either, and I'm in a house which makes me feel shit and doesn't feel homely at all.
I keep alternating between days of restricting and days of bingeing, but the bingeing kind of outweighed the restricting so I've kept putting on weight and now I'm too scared to weigh myself. Last time I checked it was 138lb. I go to the gym sometimes, but I can only get there if my mum drives us, so I can only go if she wants to as well. But she hasn't, and has prioritizing other things.I've missed several days off school, jailing myself in my room purely because of feeling fat and too self conscious. I bought senna laxatives too, but I have no idea if they're working.
I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. It's like to be happier with myself and not feel the need to obsess about being thin, I need more self-esteem. But to have more self-esteem, I need to be thinner.
I can't tell my mum about how I feel because tbh I'm scared of her - which someone pointed out was because she's a single mum who needs to be a dominating character.
Professional Opinion? This is the worst I've ever felt and I can't tell if this is depression because I feel like all the time, yet people assume I'm "just being a teenager"?
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I'm a recovering anorexic, now more of a bulimic, and I need advice on how to quit laxatives... I've been using them every day for about a year, and I'm now up to 170 laxatives a day (bisacodyl 5mg)... Should I quit cold turkey, or decrease slowly? The problem is, I binge about every 3 days, so it's really hard for me to stop...
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I have been battling with anorexia and bulimia for a year and a half now, and I just really wanted to share my thoughts and feelings about my recovery hoping some of you can relate.
I was diagnosed about a year ago when my family finally convinced me to get help. I've been in therapy since, but still battling with my eating disorder every day. I often feel extremely guilty about it, like this is all my fault, or that I'm doing this to myself. I know deep down that having anorexia isn't something that I would ever CHOOSE, in fact some nights I pray that I will wake up and be well again. But it will never happen like that, not without hard work. I want everyone to know that YOU DIDN'T CHOOSE THE EATING DISORDER - IT CHOSE YOU.
My ED voice has been winning most of the battles recently, and I've hardly eaten anything for the last week or so. I don't want to be unwell, and I'm trying so hard to fight this but I feel so out of control. Which is strange because some may say that I'm completely in control - in terms of controlling not eating. But I feel the opposite. I feel completely hopeless.
I want to be happy but I feel awful after everything I eat. One day I will feel free to eat what I like whenever I like without regretting every bite. And I'm going to fight hard to get there.
If anyone has anything to share, please post. And if you are reading this and able to relate, then know that you are not alone!
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hi, i'm 16 years old, and i have been bulimic for over a year. And about a month ago i have started eating less and less everyday, i mostly only eat dinner but sometimes if i feel bad afterwards i will make myself sick and get rid of it. I was bullied about my weight when i was younger and also as i had grown up more. it is something that i struggled and still do struggle with almost all my life. i don't want to keep doing this anymore, but i feel like i can't stop. bulimia basically controls my life, and i so desperately want to be "normal" and not feel like i have to worry so much about what food i am putting in my body to just make myself sick again and just get rid of it. i want to be free of this, but it is so hard.
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I honestly haven't had sex in 2/3 months, and before that since last September of 2013. I used a condom. But she gave me oral without a condom....
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