Am I Depressed? Suicidal Thoughts Every Day
Dec 29, 2014
I have suicidal thoughts every day, real vivid ones, I know where, when, how etc. sometimes I cry and I'm not sure why and when i start it can be hours till I've stopped completely, I don't mean all out bawling btw, just teary really, but that's the bad days most the time I feel fairly content, I can laugh and joke and go out with friends. I think I've lost my purpose in life I feel like I don't know why I'm here or what I'm meant to do but I don't feel what I imagine depression to feel like.
Throughout this though the good and bad I think of suicide every day like I said but every thought ends with me being found in time, ends with me being saved.
Do you think I need help and if so where do you go and what do you say? I'm not good at expressing myself or talking to people, none of friends or family know I feel this way. Is this normal ?
Do I just need to man up and get on with life?
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I'm 19 and was diagnosed with anxiety and panic attacks about 3 weeks ago and i got prescribed klonopin. anyways a week after i was diagnosed with depression i started feeling very down and not myself like i didn't even want to get up from bed or take showers or go out i just layed there and cried most of the time and had suicidal thoughts. so i finally decided to see a doctor and was diagnosed with depression and given fluoxetine 20mg i been on it for about 4 days, but this medicine is making me feel really out of it and for the past two days i have woken up feeling very agitated and fidgety and sometimes i don't even feel like myself i've heard this is called depersonalization and it feels awful i also feel like i've gotten more angrier with the medication, things annoy me more easily. sometimes i just sit there and i just wanna scream. overall i think my anxiety has gone away its just the depression now and it sucks i just wanna feel like myself again and i'm scared i never will.
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At least i can admit that. Im suicidal. I have suicidal thoughts. I cut myself but not so i bleed just so it hurts. I've been suicidal since i was younger but not its worse. I isolate myself a lot. I'm never truly happy. I feel useless, unloved, hated ect. I'm sad a lot but pretend like nothing is wrong so i dont have to hear 5 or more speeches 20 minutes -1 hour long from my family to be treated the same way again in 3 weeks. Or be asked what's wrong only to lie. I don't have any true friends and no one will listen without giving me useless advice. So im pretty much here to ask if there's any online therapist sites that anyone can direct me to. I don't want my family to know. They found out once and it was like living in hell. They thought i was crazy, "helped", lied to me, treated me like i was mentally ill. It wasn't fun and i can't tell them the real reason i want to do it so that was fun. So if anyone can help me. Please don't say tell your mom because she can't and won't help, talk to the counselor at your school because all she did was made me cry for two hours straight, don't do it because i've heard that from friends, teachers, family and on here way too many times anything like that. I have trust issues so that's why I'm asking for online... It's easier for me.
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I am new to this site and have been having alot of issues as of late. About a year ago I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Even with medication I was having a hard time with life and due to this was let go from my job. I lost my medication when I lost my insurance. I began to spiral and crashed hard about a month ago. When I get depressed I become self destructive. I started drinking heavily, self harm mutilation, and had an affair with a stripper in which I received oral sex. When I sobered up a bit the guilt got to me so much I had to be hospitalized for suicidal thoughts. I am on new medication (buspar, wellbutrin xl, and remeron) but still have an issue with guilt and anxiety about the affair and possible std I may have gotten. I can't stay out of my head and still have many suicidal thoughts. I broke down and let my wife know what happened, for her part she is mad but willing to work it out. Any advice would help. Also do any of my meds cause horrible stomach cramps?
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Experiencing negative thoughts, paranoid thoughts, and extreme anxiousness where I am focusing on dumb things. Do I stop taking it? I don't have a follow up doct apt for another 5 weeks
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I'm 17 and been suicidal for five years, i want to die all the time, preoccupation with suicidal thoughts has affected everything like my studies a sudden plummet in my academic score and physical health too, i only weigh 39 kg n im 5"3 tall girl. I want to die all the times i don't want to live Is this normal?
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I am on a serious suicide path. I can't think straight. all I have are negative thoughts flowing through my head. I sitting here with a knife about to cut myself because there's no other way I can relive the pain. I don't know what I need right now. I need help I know that. I need a friend. I don't have friends. I have not a single person in my life that understands me in any way possible. I just want someone to listen and not criticize me. Or judge me. I am so tired of being judged. My head hurts so bad right now... everything hurts. There isn't anyone I can talk to...no one cares. Just someone please please help me before I do something dangerous to myself that can't be fixed. I don't want to hear a single "I'm sorry_______" because I know your not.
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My doctor wants me to take Gabapentin for some disc fragments giving me pain in my back. I'm worried because the side effects say that the side effects are depression or suicidal thoughts. Has anyone ever had these type of side effects or problems in general with this drug? Did it help them with their back pain!
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I have ptsd following severe septic shock in 2013 with no memory of being in ICU for 5 days and then Sudden cardiac arrest 2 times this year, Now have pacemaker. Do not sleep well, startle at slightest noise, become agitated or angry at slightest provocation ,occasionally suicidal thoughts. What can I do ? No one seems to understand.
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I have been on 30mg Mirt for over 3 years. It helped me sleep and all was fine. BUT I have put on 2 stone and cannot lose it. I went to my GP in June and asked how to come off it. He said to halve my dose for 2 weeks and if I felt ok to stop altogether. This I did. It was a disaster. Panic attacks, insomnia and suicidal thoughts. I Went right back on to my original dose and took a good month to stabilise.
In September I decided to try again, slowly. A new GP said that I was obviously unusually sensitive to this drug as she had never known anyone have a problem before.
Since then I have v gradually reduced down a quarter of a tablet every so often. About 4 weeks ago I was down to 7.5mg/day. I then started dropping off the tablets altogether. I am now on 7.5mg 4 nights a week.
I feel terrible. I was ok until the last 4 weeks. I feel shaky, hungover and nauseous all the time. I can't sleep and the nausea makes it worse. I have noticed that 4 days after dropping a dose I get terrible debilitating stomach cramps and a fearsome headache. This lasts for 24 hours and then leaves me with background nausea etc.
I would welcome advice as to whether to just keep on dropping the 7.5mg relatively quickly (every 2 or 3 weeks or so), or to wait until this awful state passes and then drop another and start feeling ill all over again. I just want it over with asap, but have to continue to work full time.
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Sometimes I think I'm going crazy. I'm not being able to even hold a job right now. This makes my self esteem goes downhill and I can't get up of my bed because I fear people.
i'm a mid 30s woman and I'm not sure what made me become so sick. I have a string of failed relationships and in one of them I suffered domestic abuse. I started dating my current boyfriend as soon as my other relationship ended and had too many problems with him but we are still together. He is an ex addict and I'm always afraid he turns back to drinking and doing drugs.
sometimes I think I'm getting insane. I have panic attacks all the time, I can't process my feelings. I tried group meditation but I became too scared of people in general I just gave up. I'm locked home for a whole month now.
im truly thinking about ending my life. I don't see a point. My whole being is taken with these bad sensations, feelings, lack of hope, lack of control, my thoughts flow uncontrollable like a river and I just can't process anything. I'm getting old and I am a huge burden to everybody.
I don't wanna die. I wanted to know if anyone went through these hard times like me and was able to live again.
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HOW IT STARTED:
Yes, I was one of those annoying people who all the teachers liked.
Once, one of my professors even told me I was one of the "golden children" of my year. I suppose I worked so hard to get good grades because all my life I had been encouraged and enabled to do my best. I was used to success. In college I even overcame my shyness and gained a lot of good friends and a handful of real, true friends who I deeply care for. I had a part-time job in my fiend that I worked between classes, and I was looking forward to continuing my upward climb to success.
So when I lost my out-of-college job because the company had a financial catastrophe that made it impossible for them to hire me, I figured, "Hey, I'll just get another job and move on with my life. No big."
But almost a year later I still didn't have a job, and because I'm inherently introverted I had lost touch with most of my friends because they were all too far away to see in person and I'm terrible at keeping up with social media. I was living at home with my parents, sleeping in the spare bed in my sisters' room, and slowly realizing that all the people who were "Looking forward to seeing me succeed in the future" were going to be direly disappointed in me.
FIRST WAVE:
New Year 2013 brought on odd feelings. I still had hope that things would improve, but they consistently didn't. I lost a few big freelance clients that I was counting on because I made a few dumb mistakes, and that made things worse. I started crying in the bathroom for "no reason," not understanding why I was feeling so down and out when I still had potential, I just wasn't living up to it yet.
Fast forward a few months and I had basically given up on myself. I believed I was a loser, someone who had let down the many people who had trusted me with their wisdom and advice. I wasn't one of the "golden children," I was a pathetic fake who couldn't even call someone on the phone without feeling incredibly anxious, much less actually interview for a job. All the confidence I'd gained in college was gone and I felt even less sure of myself than I did in high school.
It was like the "real me" got locked in a room somewhere and I couldn't find her.
My mom noticed I was moody and finally confronted me about it, but instead of helping it only made me feel like she was even more disappointed in me and fed my unconfidence even more. Then, one day, after my mom got angry at me once again for being unable to communicate my real thoughts because I was so confused myself, my dad came out and let me sit there and cry until I had composed myself enough to speak. He was calm enough to keep me relatively calm and we discovered that the depression was probably coming from a few different sources. I was feeling lonely without my friends. I was back in my childhood home and reverting to the unconfident person I used to be. I was disappointed in myself and projecting imagined feelings of disappointment from others onto myself. I never got out of the house so I felt isolated. I wasn't making a steady income and that was stressing me out. Etc.
I decided to stop freelancing full time and get a job so I could at least get out of the house, make a steady income, and be around people. But after several interviews that were just awful because I either didn't have enough qualifications for that particular job or because I was having an off day and feeling really socially awkward, I didn't get any of the jobs.
SECOND WAVE:
I revamped my hope. But then it got crushed.
I'm still not as bad as I was last year, but I'm starting to feel like randomly crying again and sometimes my skin feels like it's going to wriggle off with how much I just want to get out of my house. I'm so afraid that I'm going to delve back into self-loathing-ville again, and I know that I sabotage myself when I'm like that. I so do not want to lost this tiny bit of momentum I've achieved, but I can't make things move faster. I can't get a job any faster, I can't get a car until I have money from a job, I can't get a job sometimes because I don't already have a car, I'm stuck, I'm stuck, I'm going crazy.
SO...
I know a lot of people around my age are going through things like this but for my particular situation does anyone know how to help me push through until things improve? I'm getting so tired of feeling so bad and I'm losing my energy trying to keep going. My parents are enabling me to stay home and do nothing but I don't want to stay home and do nothing! I want to get a job and be independent and have autonomy and start becoming who I used to be again so I can be a confident, awesome person! AAH!
Also, right now I'm not feeling so bad so I have a sense of humor, but in an hour or so I might be curled up in the bathroom crying into a towel so no one will hear me. I got on this forum in the first place because my skin was feeling antsy and I wanted to get away so badly and I wanted to know if other people felt the same way. Crazy mood swings, anyone?
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I've been on mirt 45mg since the end of April. i would say i've been ok on it mood varies until last week I thought I was back in a living he'll. I was suicidal mood very low no energy. i feel a bit more human today I just wondered if anyone else has suffered anything like this.
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I've been on mirtazapine for about 3/4 weeks now. When I first took them I had extreme tiredness.. Song with muscle aches and heart palpitations. After a week or so these symptoms seemed to go (minus the tiredness). These past three days I've been feeling dizzy constantly. Not so much dizzy.. More like off balance, I've also had problems with my visions, such as seeing little black floaters.. I know dizziness is a side effect but I didn't realise symptoms could kick in after two weeks. I've also been feeling more emotional and suicidal and I'm not quite sure why...
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Hi everyone, I'm new here and I've decided to post here because I don't know where to turn. I've been feeling suicidal because I have no social life, I'm behind in school and I switched to a charter school so that I could graduate faster but this only made my situation worse. On the first day of school I went to my class and I felt so overwhelmed by the amount of people in one class. After school I went crying to the principal because I knew that my social anxiety was never going to leave me alone no matter how much I tried. So she helped me by putting me in a small office with another teacher and another girl who has Social anxiety too but she rarely ever comes to school.
Today, I was alone all day because both the teacher and the other student didn't come. I felt so alone and I couldn't concentrate on my packets (school work) which is pretty typical because I've been having problems focusing in school since last school year. I told another staff member if I could stay home and do my work instead of coming to school because I just didn't like being alone and I couldn't concentrate but she said I couldn't do that because I had to come to school so that they get paid. Honestly I don't know what to do. I can't drop out of school , there are no online school services in my area, and I don't wanna go back to a regular public school because having 8 different classes a day was a nightmare to me last year.
My parents already know of my problems but they can't help me. Honestly I don't wanna go to school tomorrow because I'm just feeling so depressed and I can't take it anymore. my dad thinks I'm procrastinating. Honestly, he doesn't understand exactly how I feel. I feel like the whole world is falling on me and I feel like I'm never going to succeed in life, which is one of the things my dad himself told me.
I don't know what to do or where to turn to. I can't dropout of high school or take online school and I can't get medical help because my parents don't have health care.
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So I really didn't know where or how else to express this but this seems like a good place. To be honest, I have a great life. I absolutely love my job, have amazing friends and my home life is wonderful. I'm not to happy about being a little overweight but guess what? I'm hitting the gym and have already lost 5 lbs. In the money department I'm doing okay, could always be better but I'm paying my bills and saving where I can.
Yesterday I woke up exhilarated and ready to take on the world. I had a great day at work and a good work out. This morning I woke up completely depressed and bummed out. I have no idea why this happening. I honestly have no reason to be upset or depressed yet I just wanted to crawl into a hole or be invisible all day long and just had this feeling of depressed all day long, even as I'm writing this.
This seems to happen to me a lot! Sometimes it's like the example above and sometimes it can be multiple times a day. I'll go for a couple hours feeling blessed and happy and then out of nowhere it goes away and I'm depressed and feel like I want to disappear. This can go back and forth several times in a day sometimes.
I'm not sure if I'm just nuts or if this is normal. Anyways, I figured I'd put up a post and see what you all have to say. If you're the same way, if you've gotten any good advice. Thanks for taking the time to read though.
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I have been on meds for just over a year now, tsh now down to 0.62 was 69 when diagnosed have made lifestyle changes as in reduced working hours started on 150mg then put down to 100mg now back up to 125 mg I do feel better but still get very tired and anxious about the silliest of things almost paranoid have no self confidence or sex drive (just as well I'm single) have zero interest in a social life and will make any excuse to avoid going out apart from going to work, the mother of ones of my sons friends is hypo and her gp prescribed antidepressants alongside her meds just wondered if anyone has any thoughts on this due to see GP again next week and thinking of asking if I may have a touch of depression.
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This friend I had she stayed with me and my boyfriend for a week and a half because she broke up with her boyfriend. She really hurt me badly. She told me and my boyfriend that she needed a break from her boyfriend and then she starts calling him and going back to his place to spend quality time with him. She does not keep to her word she said she was going to go out for Easter with me and my boyfriend and her young son then she changes it and says that she is going to spend Easter with her boyfriend and son. This girl does not know what she wants. She leaves him every time they fight and then she gets back together with him.
My boyfriend and i heard her say that she was back with her boyfriend so yesterday we asked her to leave
She told me all i do is tell stories which i do not and she called me a bitch.
We opened our place to this girl and her son and it hurts me so much i could not even sleep at all last night. I was crying, I was angry and hurt and this is the second time she hurt me because last year she harassed me over the phone and said verbally abusive stuff to me last year in texts messages to me to where i had to take her to court
After all that i have done and been good to her she treats me and my boyfriend like dirt and it hurts
It hurts so much The her boyfriend goes to the same mental health facility me and my boyfriend goes too and I don't want to go back there at all while he is there because he has caused me pain too and my boyfriend does not like that
I have been crying all night and just so angry i don't understand why she does this to me and my boyfriend
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I really dont know whats wrong with me. I'm 24, have a good job and work 33 hours a week. I have a 4 yr old daughter who is at school and a partner.
I feel really down and upset most of the time. I can't shake it off. I'm miserable. Cry all the time. Have no patience. Want to be on my own. Don't want to be with my partner and been having an affair for 12 months. The littlest thing really annoy me.
all my family live close by but i rarely see them. I have a mother that chooses her wife beater of a bf over her children/grandchildren. I have a dad that i used to be really close with to now a dad that doesn't speak to me doesn't care. I need my parents support but i don't have it. I see my friends have such supportiveparentss and i just wish i had that. I know im 24 but i still need them.
I got pregnant at 19 and was not ready. My partner pretty much said he would finish it if i didn't have the baby. I had no support during or after the pregnancy. I used to cry every day of my pregnancy and every day whilst on maternity.
i gained 4 stone during that time but lost it after 1 yr on slimming world. The past 9 months i've been feeling lost and all along and slowly piled two stone bk on.
I wanna go to the docs and get help of to someone for help i can cope anymore. I thought i cud but i can't. I don't have any time for me. On my own.
My day consists of waking up getting ready and my child. Breakfast dropping to school. Start work finish work. Pick child up. Go home tidy up. Feed dog cook tea. Bath and bed for child. Cook our tea. Have a shower go to bed.
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Basically I feel like I may have had depression for a long time and not realised it. My parents divorced when I was at school and I was definitely depressed after that as I was diagnosed by a doctor, but I thought it had gone away. However recently I have been reflecting upon myself and have come to the realisation that I don't get enjoyment out of the activities that I do and the people I interact with. I have a full social life and am sure to make my schedule busy however I feel that this may be me trying to give myself something to feel happy and excited about in order to try to get myself to feel some positive emotion. I find myself not really caring much about a lot of things. For example I have always been very passionate about the environment and wanting to get a job as a conservationist however since starting university I don't really seem to care that much about it any more or about studying hard go get the grades to achieve my goal. I am tired of feeling anxious about every situation and like people are judging me all the time; I know these feelings are ridiculous but I just cannot shake them and they are interfering a lot with my ability to function as a normal person and to be myself. I am so worried about what other people think that I tend to make a mess of things which just exacerbates the problem. Also I feel quite empty inside and like I don't really know what I am about any more, which holds me back from making any meaningful connections with people as I am unsure as to how to portray myself as I don't feel like I really know who I am any more. Basically I feel like I have the potential to be much better as a person but there is something that is holding me back and I cant seem to work out what that is. I used to be an extremely expressive and eloquent person who could speak their mind but somewhere along the line I lost that and now I seem to hold myself back and am full of constant worry. I am at the point where I just need something to change as I cant stand to continue to feel like this. Also I oversleep all the time and struggle to get to sleep at any time before midnight, and I am also constantly achy and tense. I feel like I am different from my peers just in my daily life and I feel like I stand out when I used to feel like I fit in and was just like the people around me. Any advice and help would be really appreciated.
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I'm 22 years old. But i feel like I'm older. Last year they diagnosed me with hs. I had out way before that but never got it treated because i was embarrassed. I have it everywhere. I have open wounds in both armpits. I have some in the back of neck, groin and under breast. They are extremely painful. I don't even go out anymore because i tend to start smell bad due to my armpit lesions. I've also have a lymph node on the side of my neck that is worries me. Idk if it due to the open wounds that i have in my neck. I'm so embarrassed to go to the doctor again. But i see no way out. My primary doctor is useless he doesn't know about this and just send me to the ER. I'm so depressed i don't know what i can do. This wounds won't heals.
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